Unprepared

I thought I was prepared for this. 

I've had two years to prepare. I've read books, took classes, gotten advice from experienced adoptive parents, I've prayed (dear Lord how I've prayed)....but I'll admit I still was not completely prepared for the rocking of our little world. 

India was amazing and dark all at once. The high of meeting her and holding her in my arms was beyond my expectations! Then the reality of her past and her medical needs hit me hard. I thought we would leave it all behind, that all she needed was a family and somehow that would mend the broken things.

I'll confess that we had a few dark days in India. 

I think we are also mourning our old life a little. It sounds kinda selfish but just grasping the change is hard: no more kangaroos or bounce houses, no more lots of mommy and Logan time, and for a short time no more restful nights or meals without a meltdown or going on field trips with the other kids for a while. 

I also wasn't ready for the physical part of the adoption. Neena only wants me to carry her now and my back is paying the price. Not sleeping, emotionally drained, and back pain makes for a cranky lady. 

In others words, yes I would like some cheese with that whine!!!!

There are moments of bliss, glimpses of a precious promised daughter, of a family chosen for something great by God. But for now we take it day by day. And we pray!

 We pray for rest and a day free of meltdowns and that somehow we will be malleable to the will of God. And we pray for Neena's healing! From the inside out! Their is a lot of spiritual oppression in India and it affected us just the time we were there so I know it has affected her as well.

God has shown me that His Holy Spirit will help us daily as we seek Him in this new chapter.

And He reminds me that He has chosen us for this....we cannot do It on our own but we are called and when He calls, He equips. 

But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light. Once you were not a people, but now you are the people of God; once you had not received mercy, but now you have received mercy. (1 Peter 2:9-10 NIV)

India days

Despite the broken leg we decided we to do a little sight seeing so we took the 3 hour trip to the Taj Mahal in Agra. We had bought a stroller for her to ride around in. But when we went to put Neena in it she freaked out! Would NOT sit in the thing. So Erin had to carry her through the whole tour with sweat dripping off his face. We were thinking, ok Taj Mahal one of the seven wonders of the world, been there seen it, beautiful....now can we go. Let's just say Neena was not a fan of it so we just wanted to get outta there. Plus I had to pay this lady to use a free toilet just cause I was white and foreign and it was an Indian toilet and I was over it too!! After that we decided most of our sightseeing would be done at the hotel. She was comfortable there and happy and rarely had a meltdown. A few things we learned about India:

It's hot! All the time

No hurry, chicken curry....never in a hurry....ever!!!

You must have a good horn to drive there. They can't help but beep that horn all day.

They have temples for rats and whiskey.

The snake charmers defange the cobras....so we were told. I stood my distance. Erin did not.

Wild monkeys roam the streets.

Indian food is amazing, for the first 4 days, then you just want a cheeseburger and good coffee (yeah they don't drink coffee!!!!)

And my baby girl was soooo ready to leave and start her new life with a family! 

She was literally shaking with excitement in the airport looking at the planes! She was clapping and saying plane go up (in hindi, there's no English here people). She never had a meltdown even on the 15 hour flight! God truly blessed the travel. Never in our lives have Erin and I not missed a flight or had one delayed or cancelled on a trip!! 

When we finally arrived home in mobile, she was initially a little overwhelmed with all the fuss over her but then she just had this peaceful smile and you could tell she was glad to be home! She bonded instantly to her Big sister Vivian. And she would not let go of her hand. She's still a little skeptical of the boys but I think mostly because they are rough and she's kinda fragile. The first night home she slept 14 hours!! 

The first day was a little rough. I think the newness of everything hit her and the jet lag just puts you in a foul mood. So she had a few meltdowns and She really slept most of the first day in addition to the 14 hours she got the night before. So now I'm up with her at 3am playing with literally every toy she sees. My house is chaotic! She is scooting all over the house so she's figured out a way to get around even if she's not able to walk. 

Logan is the most vulnerable at this point. He doesn't really understand and he is a momma's boy so it's tough on me too and I'm sure Neena. 

We are taking it one day at a time and depending on God to provide all we need to make it. I know His plan is perfect, not just for Neena, but for Logan and VIvi and Luke and me and Erin figuring it all out too. 

So far so good today......

A kink in our plans

Our first day together started out great! Neena woke up snugly and in a great mood. I dressed her in a cute outfit and she decided to try to walk on her own. She took a step and fell onto her booty and screamed in pain! She kept crying and screaming "my leg, my leg!" She screamed almost the whole hour while we waited on the driver to take us to the hospital. At one point she fell asleep from exhaustion. 

We head to the max medical clinic which was where we were supposed to go that morning for Neena's tb skin test. Dr. Bhushaun was the pediatrician there and he took an X-ray and sent us to an orthopedist, dr. Bawari, at the hospital. But before we left he went ahead and did the tb screen. It took 3 of us to hold her down for the needle. At that point I was screaming,"don't hold her too tight! She has fragile bones!" She had been screaming and crying the same thing all day and it sounded like she was saying"this is not my mommy, take me back!" So I asked one of he nurses and she said she was saying," mommy let's go! I want to leave this place! Mommy lets go!" Then I cried with her.

Erin asked why I was crying and I couldn't even tell him. I just knew she hated me and thought what a mistake to leave the orphanage but instead she loved us and didn't want us to ever leave her! 

Then she fell asleep and we waited 4 hours to get a splint, not a cast. The X-ray showed at least 4 fractures of the tibia and fibula and they were the old ones that had never healed. 

No sightseeing this day....just 3 exhausted Quinleys! And this is Not the picture from that day but it's just to show that things did get better!

Forever family day

I've wondered how it would go, the day she leaves the orphanage to be with us forever. I prepared myself for crying, screaming, hitting, cold shoulder. But I never thought she would beg to go, Point at the door, Cling so tightly to me. 

We arrived at the orphanage at 10:00 on Friday, 10/10/2014, only to find our social worker "on leave". So we waited for her assistant and she gave us all the paperwork, then we spoke to the doctors at the orphanage that have taken care if her medical since she arrived there. I talked to the doctor who named her. Precious!! Then we waited forever in the office lobby. Finally the assistant said that Simran was at the doctor getting the cast off. Then a while later they come back and say the X-ray show that the cast can't come off and can we come back to get her Monday... Yes! 3 days away! Can we just wait 3 more days??? What??? We said no of course! We told them we will just bring her back Monday for repeat X-ray and take her today with the cast. 

Then we got the famous Indian Head wobble! So we didn't know if that meant ok or no or What? A while later they tell us Simran is back and we go to her room. 

We are surprised to see her cast is off! Yay! But she was having pain and trouble walking. So I had to hold her hands to help and carry her mostly. 

Then we changed her clothes, ate lunch, said goodbyes and walked out the front door with her in our arms! 

Soooo surreal! 

That day we went to the Lodhi gardens And had to find a bathroom and then had to pay to susu (peepee). And she freaked out in the bathroom. She had never used a western toilet! Only Indian toilet which is a hole in the concrete or ground. So that was traumatic slightly! 

Then we went to a restaurant and she ate and ate and ate and ate! 

She loves rice and chocolate! 

We finally made it to the hotel and I decided to give her a bath. There was no bath so shower instead. But as soon as I put her in there she again freaks out!! Like screaming mommy no mommy no! I was pretty sure the police were coming at that point. So I just soaped the body wet the hair and done!!

She had only had sponge baths so shower was too much!! 

We all snuggled on the bed that night and dreamed of the future we would have! 

Happy forever family day Simran Neena Quinley

Gotcha days!!

I know one day I'll forget how everything went with meeting our baby girl Simran Neena, so I'm writing this so we never do. 

October 7th- flew 20 something hours from Mobile to Delhi. Truly blessed with no real delays or missed connections! Only hiccup was the sweet young girl sitting next to me on the long fight to delhi that hurled the whole last hour of the trip. Ew! 

October 8th- arrived in Delhi and checked into hotel.

October 9th- couldn't sleep, so we woke up at 5am and paced the floor the next 3 1/2 hours until our driver came to take us to the orphanage!! It only took about 30 minutes to get there but it was long enough for the motion sickness to settle in and distract me from the knot in my stomach. Fortunately I did not have the same fate as the girl on the plane and kept my breakfast to myself..ew! First thing I saw was a wicker bassinet on the sidewalk which is what the orphanage, Palna, is named for; Palna means cradle. Broke my heart right there and jerked the knot from my stomach to my throat. So nervous! Will she like us? Will she want to leave? Will she scream & cry? 

We walk in and our social worker says we weren't expecting you until tomorrow! So we left.... Um... No way! We asked to see her and we would still come tomorrow. So they brought her to us! I was so happy to see and touch the face of the daughter I had loved from afar for so long that I did not cry! There were no tears. I was just happy! She came right to me and I hugged her and the best part, she hugged me back! So we all played and painted (she loved painting this airplane thing and she didn't want my help) and made bracelets for the next few hours. It was just relaxing and comfortable. Then Simran showed us around the orphanage. She still had her bright blue cast on and we had to carry her. 

In the toddler room a sweet angel baby bit my leg.....yes he did! So even in india they have terrible 2s and 3s!!! Every time I saw him later I would keep my distance. Mouths are nasty y'all! We took her to her room where she sleeps. The kids started taking off my jewelry and brushing my hair and Simran got mad! She was telling them get away from my mom. Stop touching her! That's my moms! she did not want us to put her down or leave her side. and she kept pointing to the door, to leave the orphanage. This child was ready to go!! 

But they wouldn't let us take her so we left the orphanage and she was upset and that was hard! 

We grabbed some good Indian food, bought an Indian outfit for her and crashed at the hotel by 8pm. 

God truly answered our prayer to prepare her heart for her family! 

Now she had one more night in that orphanage!! Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow!!!

The final countdown

4 days! Four days??? We leave in 4 days! 

Headed 8,000 plus miles across the ocean to take hold of a promise fulfilled! 

When you have been dreaming and praying and working and hoping (reminds me of that song on my best friends wedding with Julia Roberts! Wishin and hopin and thinking and prayin....Why does everything remind me of Julia!?) anyway, I was saying....waiting so long for this thing that seems so crazy and out of reach and then suddenly....you have 4 days until it's reality! 

I told a friend that I feel very "zombieish". Just kind of walking around in a daze. And very nostalgic! My kids start playing and everything goes into slow motion with sappy music and then I cry! I look at Logan and think of how his life will probably change the most. I start thinking how he wasn't born a twin but will now have a sister his same age and when he's sixteen she will be too and they will graduate together and.....well then I cry some more! 

So think of a weepy, nostalgic, zombie mom and that would be me right now! 

I dream of touching her face.

I have visions of us sitting on the floor playing barbies with her best friend Kiriti! 

I can almost feel her small hand in mine. 

And next week we will walk through the next chapter of the Neena plan and bring her home! 

I am going to try to update as much as possible! See ya on the India side! 

P.S. If you see me around town in the next 4 days, please point me in the right direction and help a zombie out!