So this month Neena has been talking a lot about India. Things she didn't have or did have. And she,as usual, keeps asking me to go to India and be Kiriti's mom too!!! I'm trying to think of a legal way but so far I've got nothin! And pools and beaches are things they didn't have in India. So we took her to orange beach and she loved it! She ran and chased sea gulls and collected seashells like a pro. The waves, the smell, the sand between her toes.....it was almost too much to handle! she's been asking to go back since we left!
The pool was scary for her but after a day or two she would let us get in as long as she clung to our side for dear life. And then she would ask, "when beach?" And she was pretty fond of her cute self in her bathing suit. And she was super cute!!
Interestingly this month she forgot her Hindi! So strange! We aren't sure if she truly doesn't remember or if she's just refusing to speak it. As of now, Logan speaks more Hindi than she does. But he also speaks British and African at times so, I'm not surprised!
Her leg....it is strong y'all! She has had several falls and nothing has broke and she loves to do her physical therapy and I just know God is strengthening her daily!
Her teeth....she had her first dentist appt and she had an abscessed tooth that needed to be removed so she survived that and her permanent teeth look unaffected by dentogenesis!! Her teenage self shouts, hallelujah!
It's so funny (as in deliriously funny not funny haha) that after years of paperwork to get our children here, there is still more to do afterwards. So we are working to get a SS card, birth certificate and legal name change so she can be a Quinley and no longer FNU (family name unknown). I'm on a lot of lists in this country...crazy lady who calls everyday list, mom who has sent 15 billion emails about this list.....woman who can't take "I don't know" for an answer....yea I'm on the list because no one knows how to easily make this name change happen without making me fill out more papers, hire lawyers and pay fees! Okay...rant over!
I get so caught up sometimes in trying to embrace her as my own that I forget she was on her own for almost 5 years. I think it's easier for me not to think about it. She told my husband that she remembers waiting and waiting for us to come get her in India. And I feel the need to apologize to her, but God knows we tried! People ask me if I love her like my other children. Or if I loved her instantly. The truth is, I knew deep within me that she was my daughter on paper and in pictures. We fought for her like her life depended on it. But I can't force those feeling of love to come. And I know from other experiences that love is not a feeling nor should it be. It is still sometimes strange how our family dynamic changed forever in an instant. I know that I will love her with all my feelings one day soon but it is different than when I birthed a child. But love is love, no matter how you get to that conclusion!
And Sometimes the greatest loves are the ones that start with faith. And that is where we are. We are learning to love....by faith we love...And every now and then there's a moment...a moment of love that's undeniable.....
At bedtime a few weeks ago Vivian wanted me to read her favorite book, I'll love you forever" at bedtime. So I did, but 2-3 pages into it Neena says, "me no like this book". When asked why she says, "me no baby and no mom india"! Heartbreaking.....so as my heart lumped in my throat I didn't say a word. Then I scooped her up in my arms and rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and forth and sang...I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be!
The goal of this is love, which comes from a pure heart and a good conscience and a sincere faith. (1 Timothy 1:5 NIV)
