1 year Home!

I've been thinking back to one year ago when we touched Neena for the first time. When I saw her through that window and how I ran to her and she smiled and hugged me like she would never let go!  The joy that filled that little room as we played the next few hours. With her little pony tail and bangles and bright blue cast. How she got so jealous when her roommates tried to talk to me or sit in my lap or touch my jewelry. 

How we had to leave her behind one more night. We were so nervous the next morning to pick her up and bring her with us! But she was ready! And now we know that's just who she is! Ready for anything! A brave girl who's not afraid to try new things. Who covers up her fear with fake confidence. She knows how to take care of herself (she thinks), and would love nothing better than to take care of everyone else!

I think about the fear and grief that Erin and I felt when she broke her leg the first step she took in our care. The waiting for hours in a delhi ER. The kindness of the orthopedic doctor. The glares from others who wondered what we were doing to this child that looked like them but not us! The screams and cries from a child that was mine but that I didn't know. I didn't know how to help her or how to comfort her. But somehow in the fear of that moment Neena felt loved and connected to us I think, she instantly knew that we would never leave her! 

She called me momma from the moment she saw me and called herself Neena from the start. And to think for months before we left we had stressed about what to call her or what she would call us. And we were sure a 20 hour plane ride would be a disaster! But she couldn't wait to get in that airplane and it was a breeze! 

I remember Neena being afraid of showers, western toilets & strollers and how she couldn't submerge in water for the first 6 weeks because of the cast and that when she did finally get a bath how she laughed and laughed! And all the nastiness that became that bath water.......wow!

I remember how she latched onto Vivian's hand the moment she saw her. she finally had a sister! A sister is a powerful thing and she somehow knew it! 

I remember she slept 22 hours the next day. The nightmares and screams that went on the first few weeks. The jealousy between her and Logan. How my heart broke that I couldn't let her see me hug him and couldn't help her understand it was ok to love them both! 

We don't know much about her birth or childhood. But we know about her being birthed in our hearts so many years ago. And we know how she's grown and changed this last year. She is in bloom! The last puzzle piece to our little family of 6! 

And we will celebrate her 6th birthday next weekend! And I will try not to cry! 

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:12 NIV)

11 months fly by

Really? 11 months? Just shy of a year!! 

Whirlwind....roller coaster...adventure....these words come to mind to describe the past 11 months! 

I think we have all settled in at least. It only took a year and I'm pretty sure we need another 11 months to complete the adjustment! 

I never thought in a million years it would be this hard. I don't know why bringing home a daughter that's 5 instead of a newborn is hard but I'm telling you, it is! Neena has been so awesome! I mean she hasn't looked back from the moment we caught each other's eye in India! The connection I felt those first few hours with her are feelings i will never forget. It's just like the feelings of holding your newborn baby in your arms and seeing their face for the first time. We just knew and it was like we breathed a sigh of relief and said in perfect harmony, "finally!". We were complete! 

But India and fractures and attachment issues and sibling rivalry and selfishness and just the uncertainty and unknown, has a way of taking your Calgon away. 

I was so connected to Neena in my heart from the moment we saw her file, before we had even seen her face! I just knew that we wouldn't have any problems and we would love each other and she would be perfect and I would be perfect and our perfectness would make the world perfect! So I skipped over the chapters in my adoption books about behaviors like manipulation and rebellion and attachment issues. Oops! No worries though, we are reading them and rereading them and audio booking them now! 

Most of the time we are good but there are times that we don't want to deal with the behaviors caused by years of abandonment. We get tired and just want it to be easy, natural! And There are many times I feel completely inadequate to care for her. I'm too strict, too harsh, not affectionate enough, not understanding, not protective enough... So it's hard. But we signed up for hard....or I guess God signed us up for hard and we said yes! It's not easy being a parent period. Someone once told me that it's easy to be a bad parent but to be a good parent is hard! 

Neena is no doubt a Quinley, MY daughter, meant to be here, destined for greatness! She is super sassy and protective of others and bossy and hyper and...the list goes on and on! In fact, Vivian asked me what she was like when she was a baby (what Vivian was like not Neena). So I told her sassy, bossy, hyper and happy and Vivian said, "you just described Neena!". 

So We are all in this together! And in a week we will go to court to finally get a certificate that says Neena is officially Simran Neena Quinley! 

And you aren't even ready for the 1 year HOMEversary party that's gonna go down! 

I'm gonna give you a hint....M-I-C-K-E-Y!! 

10 months home

10 months home and school is in session!

We have survived first week of school....by the skin of our teeth!

Neena and Logan started kindergarten. In case you don't think that's a big deal, well it is! Kindergarten is officially real school! A place where there are No naps, you open your own milk carton, you have a lunch number, you can ride the bus, and use scissors. It's like a 5 year old dream and nightmare at the same time.

Neena is doing great! Her English is awesome! And she looks adorable in her school outfit! In kindergarten teachers sometimes have real hard names to pronounce, especially if it's your second language sort of, so Neena thought, "hey you or hey lady!" Would cut it. But not in kindergarten! 

She is in a wheelchair and will most likely be in one at school for a while. But she is a trooper and PE is still her favorite part of the day. 

Logan had a rough start. See Logan is the baby and I baby him so I'll take credit for it i guess. His first day he fell asleep in the middle of class. Poor thing is tired! Then he drew a sea monster eating his brother instead of a ball as instructed (it had red splattered crayon for blood and everything). Then he got bit by ants and refused to ride the bus home because he was traumatized by the ant bite and I got a call about it from the principal (on the first day of school). But just when I thought he was getting the hang of it, he came home yesterday with a 3-4 inch hole in the middle of his uniform shirt. He said he cut it and so we talked about what we can cut with scissors (paper only), and that was that. So today when his teacher text me the picture of the chunk of hair he cut from a little girl I was shocked! I mean he's a baby!! Logan is not exactly experienced with scissors. Or opening his milk or riding the bus or not taking naps or any of this! 

Luke and vivi are school pros by now. Not even starting middle school phased Vivi! She just hops on the bus and goes! 

The last 10 months have been wild! What Neena has gone through! And the other kids and how they have loved her from the instant they met her! To see my husband love a daughter he's never known! And how grandparents and aunts and friends just embrace her! 

It has done something to me!

It has caused me to HAVE to find courage in Christ! It takes something Brave within you to hop on a plane and travel 9,000 miles and love a broken child and help them heal while you yourself are broken from unmet expectations!

Neena is so brave and she is a gift! She has caused all of us to not just put on a "brave face" but to be brave! While shaking in fear and being so overwhelmed with worry we are learning to let the confidence we have in Christ take over!

I never knew anxiety until I had a daughter who could break a leg by tripping. Or until I had a baby boy who suddenly struggled with where his place was in this family. I have been so overwhelmed thinking our family will never be normal again! And the truth is I had to accept that we won't.... And I don't want to be normal! Not truly! Everything in my spirt wants to be totally ABnormal as long as it's following God! 

How many times have you and I prayed to be the hands and feet of Jesus? But his hands and feet did more than pray and heal!! They had bleeding holes in them and were punctured with spikes! The bones and tissue broken and torn! Yes we will be the hands and feet of Jesus and we will have the beautiful healed scars to prove it! 

The hard things are not fun! But they add to our faith and force us to decide if we will give into the fear or be Brave and trust that You actually CAN do this....that Philippians 4:13 (I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength) is seriously true and is a promise for me and you today!

Believe God today! Trust his promises! And do something Brave in Jesus name! 

9 months home

I have to be honest. I did NOT want to update the blog today. So let's just get down to it:

Neena rebroke her leg. Same spot, same injury,.....for the 3rd time in 9 months! 

I wasn't even there when it happened! (Bad mom of the year!)

On July 13th, My dad had been graciously watching the kids for me while vivi and I had a little girl time at the beach before she starts middle school. I saw a missed call and voicemail from my mom. The voicemail sounded somber but not hysterical and said "call me back ASAP! It's Neena!".

That's when the nausea hit me. I knew. 

She was just walking outside and stepped into a hole. Snap! Goes the tibia and bent the rod too! 

More nausea!

She needed surgery to replace the rod with a more specialized rod that is stronger. So we set it up for July 16th.

I wept! We were all so deflated. 

This was not the plan. The plan included being healed of every sickness! Never breaking again! Being whole and happy from the inside out. And the moment this happened AGAIN.....I felt sick, angry and just discouraged! And I could tell Neena was too. I wonder what her plans were? I'm sure it wasn't this....again!

So we marched through and made a lot of decisions about the whos, whats, when's,  and where's of the surgery. We prayed and God was faithful and opened doors for the right surgery to happen and we truly believe his hand was guiding it.

Surgery day: our anesthesiologist was a sweet Lady from Bombay, India, who gave Neena a new toy, which ended up being a singing Belle doll and Miss Potts! Overall she did better pre op this time than before. 

Surgery was supposed to take at least 3 hours and the tricky part was going to be removing the bent rod without shattering her bone. So we prayed that the rod would be like butter and it would come out smooth! We had a huge support of family and friends there that blessed me to pieces! 

The surgeon called at 1 hour 45 minutes into the case saying he was closing! Everybody in the room was so excited and I thought, "this is it! Her bone shattered and they are closing her up! Her leg will be cut off and she'll ask me why I ever brought her here?".....yea I was struggling! I mean when they finish a surgery way before expected that could be good OR bad!!!

But the doctor came out and said it went so well! He showed us X-rays and told us he didn't have any problem removing the old rod. He said it came out smooth as butter.....no he didn't say the butter part but he should have!! We all know that's what he was thinking...butter!! 

We were supposed to stay a few nights in the hospital because pain after this surgery was supposed to be a lot more. Last time she screamed in pain the first 6 hours postop. This time she snoozed the first 3 hours and woke up asking to watch the Aladdin movie I promised. She was truly remarkable. She did not have any IV pain meds that first night and we got to come home the next day!

So what now? she is in a bright purple cast (she was over the blue, yellow and pink she had before) for a few weeks. She starts kindergarten august 10th and we have begged the doctor to take it off before school  and so he will!!! I'm not sure how the next few months will go after that.

Neena acts like she doesn't know she is "soft". At first we didn't want to tell her "you can't" all the time. But she is just so...rambunctious....wide open....bull in a china shop.....and 5!!! A few days before the surgey I caught her outside riding Luke's skateboard down the decline from the carport????? What??? I might die! And she might too!!

We will let her use a wheelchair to get around at school for awhile. An aid will help push her to the bathroom and down the hall. But we will be doing a lot of PT and swimming!!

When the X-rays look healed and the bone strong she should be able to be at school without the wheelchair. Again, I might die from the stress! I mean I have my sweet big girl starting middle school and my babies starting kindergarten And one of those kindergarteners could break if a kid pushes her in line?!!!! Aaaah! 

We are newcomers to the Osteogenesis Imperfecta scene. But Let me just tell you about these moms...they are strong and self taught splinting experts, amazing and fight for their kids! Could you imagine a newborn crying and not knowing if they fractured during diaper change? Or when a toddler learns to walk and falls every 2 steps, if they just broke their femur? And the Er calling DHR on you because they think it's child abuse?!!! That's what you call living on the edge!! 

For every parent who has a child with a special need where you have to worry about their health and survival with just day to day activities.....you parents are special too! Chosen, called, gifted....fighters! 

I wondered why it was such a fight to bring Neena here. We were in training for the fight on the home front! 

Good thing is we are not alone and we don't fight in our own strength! And we aren't fighting flesh and bone anyway! 

We are learning that bones are bones, and they will break. But family is strong and that will never break!

Neena may not be healed (yet as far as we see healing), but she is loved and has a family whose gonna fight for her! 

The girl with the unbreakable spirit! 

8 months

Oh summer!!

The past two summers we would always say. "Neena's gonna love the pool or this slide or this place or this movie..."

Now she's here and we are enjoying our first summer together!

She is walking and running great!

She is swimming with floaties and jumping off diving boards and sliding down slides! 

It's really been the first time in 8 months that we have all been home together for most days out of the week. 

I thought it would be bliss. And you know at 6:30 in the morning when the house is quiet and I go snuggle with each one of them, it is bliss! 

They are so precious and cute and sweet....when they sleep! And even the first hour after they wake up, it's so sweet with their bed heads and just a simple bowl of cereal keeps them all satisfied!

And then something happens.....they wake up completely and they start arguing, complaining, whining and saying MOM, over and over and over and over! And then mid day the boredom hits and i, trying to be a good mom, tell them to go outside and play and not watch tv! And then outside the drama continues but this time with sharp sticks and me fearing for Neena's bones!! 

Oh Summer! 

Our biggest struggles now are just trying to spend one on one time with each child. So we haven't got the whole four kids thing down yet! And planning date nights have gotten more difficult! So all 6 of us are feeling the strain right now and just needing some bonding time. Or maybe we need a break from each other....I don't know!!! 

And I still struggle so much with Neena's bone disease. I think Her life flashes before my eyes daily and I am a ball of nerves when we venture anywhere where kids run and play! Some of the kids,not Neena,  were playing wall ball  and one of them almost knocked Neena down and I let out this awful gasp and yelled watch out!!!! Like a train had just crashed into another train! I freaked out....and all the kids looked at me like I was a freak! 

I did the gasp and freak out yesterday too!!! 

Let's be honest, I am a freaker outer!! 

Does God want me to be a freaker outer?? Is that opposite of trusting in Him??? Or does Neena need a freaker outer mom?? 

The other day I was having so much anxiety about it, because my other 3 kids are so rough y'all.....they break normal strong bones....they must have super human strength.....they just hurt each other somehow!! So I was just anxious about Neena playing with them without me hovering over her. 

And I felt like God was saying, "you can't heal her! You can't always protect her? Why are your trying to do what only I can do??" And then he whispered to me,"why don't you just love her!! That's what you can do!!" 

I realized that day that somehow I've got to give it all to God and just do what he commands: Love! 

I think I've been so preoccupied with getting her healthy and healed that I haven't loved her enough and haven't been loving like I should! 

Why don't you just love them Nikki?!! That question has penetrated my very being!! Why not? Because deep down maybe I think My ways are higher? or that God doesn't care about little old me?or that His plan isn't good? 

So I have two goals everyday, love her and trust Him! 

And in fact it should be Love others and trust Him! 

What a journey this has been! But who wants to stay the same? Not this freaker outer! 

7 months- healing and news from the East

Neena is now almost 8weeks out from her surgery to fix her left leg where they placed a rod down her tibia. I like to say she's titanium now! I actually prefer to sing it like the pop song, she's titanium!!! If only adamantium were real (only marvel comic fans will get that one!). She has been working hard with therapy and she is walking again and only has a small limp now! It's truly amazing! 

Neena and Logan just graduated from preschool, registered for kindergarten and even survived the 5 year old immunizations today!! It was very surreal and emotional for me to see Logan and Neena walk down the aisle to get their diplomas. It's so silly I know but I had a vision of them graduating high school and college together, my little twin babies!!!

 And the moment Neena actually WALKED down that aisle by herself with 2 good legs and her head held high and her family clapping and hollering for her (they let you do that at graduation in lower Alabama and in fact it's like a competition and whoever has the loudest yells wins)......well let's just say I could hardly breathe from the tears! 

And then we got news from the East...Inida to be exact.....

There was a special little girl we had to leave behind in India named Kirti. Her and Neena were best friends and she is about the only thing she talks about in regards to India. So I looked into what it would take to adopt her and because of rules and well The Lord, we couldn't. I asked my best friends to adopt her and my coworkers! But that didn't work either so me and Neena started praying! Every night we prayed that God would find a family for Kirti and give her a mom and dad that would love her. 

And then one day i am on the phone with my adoption agency talking about some "name change" drama we are having with Neena's legal paperwork, and the lady says, "hold on I just got a child matched to one of my families from India". Then she says that it's wierd she is talking to me because this child is from Neena's orphanage! Then she says her name is Kirti!!

 I.almost.fell.slap.out!!!

We now know that Kirti will be adopted by a family less than an hour from us and I am in contact with her mom and we are all beside ourselves exited!! I just cannot wrap my brain around the faithfulness of God! You always hear that he cares for you and that he cares for the orphan, but this.....This is beyond what we could ask or imagine!!! 

We are sooooo expecting God to use these two girls to change the world. They were meant to be in each other's lives!  

I am still in shock and literally shaking my head right now trying to figure out how two girls, worlds away from us, left for dead and alone, get adopted around the same time after years of rejection and of all the places in this Great big world they will live less an an hour apart!!! In Alabama, no less!! It's too much for my momma heart to hold for now without crying so I gotta just praise him!! 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11 NIV)

Yes and amen!

The 6 month set back

Things were going good and then March 21st....return of the broken leg! My husband was working and it had been a long day of running the kids from one ball game to the next. We all came home and took a rest. When we woke up we decided to go in the front yard to kick the soccer ball around. Then one of the kids went all Mia Hamm on me and Neena took a soccer ball to the belly and fell down. Next thing I know she is screaming, my leg my leg!!! And then I see.....! And it was like That day in India all over! My husband literally drive up about 15 seconds later and we all piled up to head to the ER. (I had a casserole cooking and at the last minute remembered to shut it off! Broken leg and burnt enchiladas are no bueno!) So after a few hours, some pain meds and ketamine, the ortho doc set the leg and splinted it and we all went home. For Neena's info later in life, she was super funny sedated. She kept making fishy faces and when she woke up the very first thing she said was, "my butt itchy!". Then she kept saying, "mom, your butt itchy?" And she talks really loud so now everybody thinks I have pin worms, thanks Neena!! And btw: my butt was not itchy! 

It was the same break, same leg so we had to make a decision about surgery. So on Thursday March 26th Dr. Handwerger put a rod in her left tibia. She had a lot of pain the first 6 hours after surgery but then did great. now she's been in a bright pink cast for almost 3 weeks and we will go in a few days to get it off and start walking with a brace for a few weeks. Another surgery on this leg is inevitable but for now everything is healing well. 

We even decided to not cancel our spring break plans in Gatlinburg. We had a blast!! It was good for our family to get away and make memories! It was still sad because We wanted kids to see Neena as just their sister and have fun together, but that cast just was a constant reminder to her and everyone that she was different. They would run and play in the water and she sits splashing with her trash bag wrapped around the cast. But somehow she still made the most of it and never complained! We have something BIG planned for her 1 year anniversary home and we are praying she will have no casts during that time so she can have fully enjoy herself! 

We are still learning about Osteogenesis and seeking The Lord about his plans for her and praying for wisdom with each decision. 

The break was a set back for her and for us all. But our love for each other has grown! 

You want to know who loves her the most? Logan!! He wants to know where she is every morning. He will do anything for her and I am seeing him bloom into the protective brother and awesome friend we knew he would be!!! 

Also this week Vivian turned 11! Neena is looking forward to her siblings birthdays! She always asks why she didn't get to come to their birthday parties when she looks through old pictures. So she is super excited and literally counting down the days! 

This girl loves her family! And her family loves her! Thank God for setting the lonely in families!! 

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families, he leads out the prisoners with singing; (Psalm 68:5-6 NIV)